New Blog

I am moving this blog to wordpress.. to those who receive this in an email., the new address will be

http://poetrynmylife.wordpress.com/

See you there.....I will be deleting this soon.. please update..

Hold On . . . Tighter

This heart of mine is big enough
for you.
Open and close. Open and close
Close and open.
Release.

Heart of mine.Love, pure love.
Yes. and joy.

Bound by love ....

Grab on.

Hold on.

Tight.

Tighter...

Like that....Don't let go.

The Essence of Me

No more tears for missing yesterdays
I can't change what was and what is.
I look in and know the only me.

This one I see. Work on it.

I checked it. Such hurt and sorrow.
Deep pain and hurt show in the lines
and grooves of aging face.

That's just the surface.
What lies beneath?

The essence of me you cannot see.
it exist inside where I keep
her hidden afraid of hurt.

I want her to shine, to experience
the joys of life, love and happiness,
of so many years gone by.

The memories are fading now. The
glowing light is dimming.

Reaching for the crumpled up papers
scribbled are my dreams and hopes
of a brighter tomorrow, words fading
on the yellowing paper.

I read them and hold them as if they
are a lifeline to remind me that
it still exist. It's not on the
face I see in the mirror..the eyes
have shed a thousand tears; the hands
have wiped them away at night.
It's inside; the soul and essence
of me.

The part of me that holds
the light of my being.

Courage of Our Conviction - HEAL THE WORLD

As we approach the second anniversary of Michael's passing, we have a choice. A choice to make good on Michael's message: Heal the World. It sounds so simple, yet very complex. It's a big job. In the song Heal the World, the words Michael sing tell us to ‘Heal the World, make it a better place, for you and me and the entire human race.'  Well, I don't know about you, but for me that is a VERY LARGE order. If you can imagine there are how many billions of people in the world. Alone, he tried to do it. When we look back at his efforts, each time he visited a country during his concerts on a world tour by visiting the sick children in hospitals and orphanages, trying to make their lives a little better. The proceeds from those concerts were given away to them. Which tells me a lot about who he was as a person? 

It makes me think about this quote from him:

“I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.” - Michael Jackson

Can it get any better than that?  So, yes, we have big shoes to fill. That's a pretty tall order. Heal the World.

Michael was no slouch. He had courage of conviction in everything he did. He was a perfectionist. In his art, his music. From what I have learned while reading and studying for the last two years, he stayed in the studio and kept perfecting until it was just right. Michael was known to sing an entire song for someone (all parts of the song), so everyone would know exactly which notes he wanted. That was the perfectionist in him. 

I'm never pleased with anything; I'm a perfectionist, its part of who I am.

Michael Jackson

It wasn't a way of being 'I know better than you'; it was just his way of this is how he heard it in his head. He was a musical genius. There is no one to compare him to.  When Michael performed onstage, it had to be one of the most electrifying experiences to watch. He may have been shy and reserved offstage, but the stage belonged to him. If you ask me, the stage was his muse. Michael left everything on that stage. He gave you all of himself. Everything he had in every performance. Look at the pictures of him taken when he was done and you can see in face the fatigue. He gave to his fans a piece of his soul...each and every time. There is no doubt as to why he was so loved. Michael was doing what he loved. He would have done this everyday if he could I believe. In his words: 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough' -Michael Jackson.

The truest joy in his life was his children. I don't want to take up much time here because I think they are off limits. I just want to say that they are beautiful. I am happy that the three of them came into his life to bring him some much needed happiness for one bright shining moment he needed. Thank you Prince, Paris and Blanket for the joy you gave your father.

The people who set out to destroy Michael for whatever reason killed him long before he died. If I was going to pick a date, I guess I would go back in history and start with when his star began to rise. Now far be it from me to play the race card, but we live in the real world. Here is a man of African American descent who has an extraordinary musical talent. Is it a gift from God? I would have to say yes. He is loved by many from all over the world. It is rising fast.  He is able to do things that most cannot do. He begins his career with his five brothers and then sets out on his own and it rises even further. Then the unthinkable happens: He gives his money away to charity. Why? He feels blessed? Michael's heart was in the right place. If most of these people had taken the time to read Michael's history from a young age, they would have known this about him. He was always this person. This was who he was. 

After Michael purchased the ATV catalog, his life was never the same. The music of the Beatles was in this catalog. Paul McCartney had a chance to buy it but didn't. This is not Michael's fault. 

In 1993, Michael's life changed forever. I don't need to go into details. We all know the story. 

Michael's Message: Heal the World on the second anniversary of his death rings more true now than ever.  There is so much going on in our MJ Community. One thing is for certain, we need to come together and heal as one. We need to stop fighting each other and bashing each other.  You can't heal the world and cut down the person standing next to you (I am just as guilty as the next). I can't say I love you Michael, then cut down someone else out of the same mouth.

It’s counterproductive. 

We may have a difference of opinion, but our global message should be the same, carrying on his message.

I love to post videos and pictures of Michael too. I don't want to spend June 25th posting videos and mourning him! Why, because, I want it to be a day of action! A day to say to the world that We have had enough of the negativity the world portrays of this kind hearted person who didn't deserve the treatment he got. He didn't deserve the media portrayal that made people believe that is who he was. 

If we don't put aside our differences and stand up for him now, we are going to fail in our attempt to make it right and spend an eternity mourning him. I don't think Michael wants us to mourn him, but celebrate his life and his accomplishments and Heal the World! We have got to show them the truth. It has to be now! Get up! 

Michael's message was global - Heal the World

Silence is Deafening

Sliced through my heart and its bleeding,
drained and cold.
I can't hear you anymore cause your
silence is deafening.

Beat me down for what?
Together in a fight holding hands ...
Working as one.
Now I weep cause you let me go.

The chain is broken in the link.

In the dark alone and I'm lost;
alone searching.

Letting Go and Moving On

A few days ago I received a letter in the mail regarding some information from my last employer. Previously I stated that I was not working for this company anymore, but I never really went into any detail about being with this company. I still don't feel the need to do that now other than to say that I was feeling some animosity and hurt as to how I left. On the day I left, instead of me going to work and "we are going in a different direction", I was sent an email over the weekend, which I didn't receive until Tuesday morning after I had already arrived at work. This was to me, for lack of a better word: tacky. I am not sure why this tactic was used, but I felt I did deserve a much better exit than this.

I was holding a lot of hate and anger inside for months and it was keeping from moving forward. One doesn't realize sometimes how much pain we carry. That kind of pain, hurt feelings and self-loathing can eat you up. I thought I had put it down and moved on. I went about my routine day in and day out since this happened each day searching for work as if nothing happened.  Then I began to look back over the poetry I was writing and began to notice a pattern in my writing. Most of what I was writing was about love, but a lot of it sounded  like depression, and as if I was reaching for something, like I was on the brink of wanting to move forward and let go of the pain, but really didn't know how to.  Truth is, all I had to do was just get honest about it. I had to get honest that I was loathing and seething deep inside and wanted to shout it to the world all that hate I felt.

One thing that sticks out is this sort of self-centered me attitude about the situation. Even though that is not who I am. My personality is always about helping other people. Most of the time, I put me on hold and give to others and never think of me, and here I was again doing the same thing and forgot to take care of what was happening in my own life. So I guess I was thinking, if I help myself, will people think I was being self-centered? Then I thought, you have got to heal from this, because if you don't, you are no good to anyone else. This pain is going to eat you up inside. The other thing is, as I stated before, I am a recovering addict with 15 years clean and using was not an option.

Well, what happened next was that I sat there one day and I just let it go. Everything came to boiling point. My emotions just seemed to surface and I did what I said I wanted to do. Out loud, I stated, "I hate you for treating me like you did. I deserved better than that. I don't wish your business success. The least you could have done was given me the courtesy of a phone call and not an email."   After I ranted and  let my emotions out, I asked God to forgive me for my hateful thoughts. I prayed for being rude and ungrateful.  I asked for healing.

I had not spoken to anyone from this company for sometime and needed to contact them regarding this letter I had received. I don't think I could have done that had I not cleansed myself. I believe it was important for me to let go of the feelings inside before having to contact them. If I had been still seething inside it would have been difficult holding on to all that animosity.

I'm still searching for what I want to do from here, but it's a little easier now. I am in no rush. My husband says to take my time and find what I really want. He wants me to be happy in my soul. So do I.

A Song in My Soul: Pure Emotions

Lights on my face stole
my sleep; now I'm awake
before the dream ended.

Managed to know what it was
I was supposed to remember and
I wrote it down.

The music that haunts me
through the day, I had to
look it up, cause it
must mean something.

The music that keeps playing
over and over. This verse in a
song that keeps running through my
mind.

Are you trying to tell me a story?
Maybe.
About a past friend? A hurting soul?
A wounded bird..who needs a voice?

I played the tracks to reveal
the hidden meaning
from the voice of the past
and it filled the air with music.

Listening, I'm listening
for a sign, I'm listening;
just trying to hear the
inflection in your tone for
what it is in this verse that
continues to run through my
mind day and night...

How sweet is your voice...
so pure...and so emotional;
I mean raw emotion that is
internal; from deep welled up
inside. So vulnerable. Within
the melody, it took hold of
me and pulled me in.

Tell me where you want me
to go from here. The song
has ended.

Please also visit My Word Wizard for more fascinating poetry...

http://www.mywordwizard.com/a-song-in-my-soul-pure-emotions.html

Give Me a Reason

Unyielding, unbreaking.
Don't tread on me..
don't spit on me..
Lift me up...
Rise up...

Move me up...
Help me up..
Lift me..
Don't tread on me..
Give me strength...
Unyielding, unbreaking.
My spirit to soar above..

Give me a reason to
to rise... give me
a reason to be!

Help me from the madness
of what is the source
of hate. Unblock
and move the stumbles
of bigotry.

Move me up...
Lift me up..
Don't tread on me.
Give me strength..
Rise up and lift
me high!

Unyielding, Unbreaking.
Give me a reason to be!

Uncage me and unleash
the chains that bind
me...

Give me a reason to be....

I Am But a Vessel

I opened myself for complete 

thought and expression; 

I am but a vessel .

The words flow. 

The energy courses

 through me and 

spills forward  onto

 the page.

Hey, I Still Love You

We can't be friends anymore
Why?
I don't know.
What do you mean.
We just can't.
Oh, I see.
Something wrong ?  No.

I love you. I love you
too.

So what happened? I don't
know. OK.


Are you hurt? No.
Did I cause you pain?
No.
Just because.
Sacrifice.

Sacrifice?

That's it?
Yes.
Why?
I don't know.
Weren't you and
I gonna  change the world?
Together?
Yes. We were.
What happened?

I'm following the
crowd.

Oh, OK.. I see.
OK.  I still love
you.
Take care..

A Reflection in My Heart

I keep hearing your voice;
calling, seeing you, feeling you.
Sometimes not knowing if you are real
or just made up in my mind.
I reach out to touch you and you fade.

I try to focus on the image of you

that I keep seeing in the viewer of  
my mind. The scenes that play run
at a fast pace, and my focus is off.
My thoughts won't let me take hold
of just one.

The stillness of the day is almost
gone, and the background is rising up
to keep me from reaching out to find
you again.
Will I see you again?
If you are real, how will I know
for sure? You sing to me in my dreams,
or were you really standing there
singing a melody that is now binded
forever to my soul.

Healing Love

My love is for more than
just the ones who love me
those who love you and
those who do not know love.

For more than they who don't
know love, are they who have not love.
Hearts not opened have not any love
cannot be true to love.

Broken spirits are broken by hurt;
by words and spite.

Troubled by pain and deceit,
They need healing and need love
that we can give by reaching out
with the spirit of our love as one.
Greater than us is love.

Our spirits soar to reach beyond
ourselves to heal the broken hearts
and soul of man with love that is our love.

Bringing About Change

Will I ever know you?

Will you ever give in to that

place in your heart?

Don't close it.

Have it feel love;

Show that specialness.

Have your love given back.

Talk to me.

Share with the world.

Love is energy.

Place the key inside of you

and turn it around.

Bless the truest of those who

hunger for knowledge.

When given a blessing we can't

hold our fear of the world.

The world will falter. It misses

the love; the love we try and

cling to;  the love we no longer

feel for each other; giving way

to greed. 

Bring back love into our lives.

Our young  should know that love

can bring about change.

Hate has no place.

It breeds misdeeds that feed trouble,

that banishes and dilutes the soul

of man.

It afflicts our hearts, bringing pain

to our brother that he doesn't have

to bear.

Hold up one another to the highest

esteem as we hold ourselves;

that we may succeed to our highest self.

Shadows of the Past (Silhouette of Dance)

What can I do to stop the tears
that keep falling staining my face?
the anger wells up inside.

What can I do to make my pain lessen,
my heart that leaps from my chest with
every breath I take?

How can I heal from my sadness if all
I can focus on is the hurt that engulfs me daily?

Constantly, day and night.

Shadows of the past dance on my walls in a
symphony of music that is silent in silhouette
as I lay awake and wait for the sun to rise each morning.

Man in the Music: The Creative Life and Work of Michael Jackson by Joe Vogel

A positive look at the creative work of Michael Jackson. 

Editorial Reviews

Product Description

"In many ways, an artist is his work."--Michael Jackson

Over his four decades in the public spotlight, Michael Jackson revolutionized the way we experience music. His songs, videos, and live performances not only broke records, they dissolved barriers and inspired generations of fans from every corner of the world.

Yet in spite of his achievements, Jackson's creative work was often overshadowed by the tabloid frenzy that surrounded his controversial life. By the time of his tragic death in 2009, many people had forgotten the talent, originality and ambition that made him a star to begin with. In this lavishly illustrated book, author Joseph Vogel moves past the sensationalism and mythology to reveal the first in-depth assessment of the "man in the music."

Featuring a foreword by Rolling Stone contributing editor Anthony DeCurtis, Man in the Music covers Jackson's entire solo career, from 1979's groundbreaking Off the Wall and 1982's world-conquering Thriller to his frequently overlooked later work, including a glimpse into the music he was creating in his final years. Vogel shows that, contrary to popular belief, the quality of Jackson's work didn't decline after Thriller. Rather, similar to the Beatles, he continued to evolve in interesting and provocative ways.

Meticulously researched and documented, Vogel draws on hundreds of sources, including news archives, Jackson's own words, and personal interviews with Jackson's collaborators (some of whom are speaking publicly about their experiences for the first time). With each album, Vogel takes the reader back in time, placing the music in its social and historical context, discussing its relation to Jackson's personal life, and revealing fascinating, behind-the-scenes details from the studio. Each song is carefully described and interpreted, from well-known masterpieces like "Billie Jean" to lesser-known standouts like "Stranger in Moscow."

With a wealth of color photos and fresh insights, Man in the Music is the most rigorous and reliable assessment of Michael Jackson's artistic achievement to date.

About the Author

Joseph Vogel writes about popular music, culture and politics for The Huffington Post and PopMatters. He has written several exclusive pieces on Michael Jackson, including the first U.S. review of the posthumous album, Michael. Vogel has been interviewed by numerous media outlets, including NPR, Democracy Now!, and The Chronicle of Higher Education. He resides in Western New York where he is an instructor at the University of Rochester.

Visit  Joe Vogel's blog to learn more about him...  http://www.joevogel.net/

You can pre-order this book from www.amazon.com

Cuts So Deep

Blades of grass coming up from
the ground that cut my fingers
and slice through my heart.
Sharp as they are, Like your words
when spoken so harsh.
They cut so deep
and wounded my soul.



When I wrote this, I was thinking about Michael. He was right there in the front of my mind. It was if he was saying, "they hurt me with their words by calling me names and saying I did these things I didn't do." I felt him saying to me to write it. The words just flowed on the paper as if to say, this was what he wanted me to say.

So, for what the media did to him, for Michael....

Seeing Tomorrow

I didn't know I could when I thought I was done.
I was pulled back into this.
Just a thought of yesterday.
I kept willing myself to forget. I can't.
It's right there.
I breathe slowly, and a faraway place
emerges before me.
I hear the seagulls and smell the salt from
the sea, yearning to draw me near.
The call of the fresh morning air.

                                             Seagulls in Flight by H Malot

                                             

Missing Home

My last visit to Pinhook was seven years ago. I hate to think it has been that long ago. I had returned for a funeral.  My mother recently asked me to go back with her to clean out a storage unit of my grandmother’s belongings so we could locate some important papers.  We were in the process of planning a trip back to this spring to take care of this when we got word of all the rain that was beginning to fall and the possibility of the Army Corp. of Engineers breaching the levee.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think they would do this.

I thought back to the floods of 1973 and 1974. We had moved from Pinhook and taken my grandmother’s trailer home to town at the time. Most of the families had decided to leave. My mother was adamant that she was going to remain.  The other families told her she could not stay alone with her two young children.  It was just too dangerous. With the potential of  the water rising, there was no way that it was remotely safe for her to stay. She insisted that she remain and protect her property. After they convinced her to finally leave, we packed up our essential belongings and headed out. Well, my mother, hard-headed as she is, insisted she drive her car. We were placed in the bean truck with a gentleman mother drove Pontiac Le-Mans through the flood waters. Now, imagine, the ditches on either side of the road were at least 6 feet deep or more, and the water on the road was almost covering the hood of the car as we drove slowly for the mile out of this water.  We got through it, on pins and needles no less.  We spent about three or four months away from our beloved Pinhook until it was deemed safe to return home. Our cousin Jerome Robinson and Mr. Eza Lee Cross stayed in our home, at my mother’s request to protect our home.  Jim Robinson and his brothers, Cal and Lynell who were farmers, all remained on Pinhook to protect the property of the homeowners. George Williams, who drove our school bus had moved his family into town as well.

In 1974, we made the move once again into town. Some of us moved to Charleston instead of East Prairie this time.  We again were gone a few months. Now, you must know that during this time, the flood waters never reached the homes on Pinhook on the main road. Jim Robinson and a few 0thers who lived  a few miles a little farther back, weren’t so lucky.  After Jim and his family rebuilt that last time, they made the decision to build closer to other families. Most of us helped in the rebuilding.  My last trip home was to Jim’s funeral.  My grandmother married his uncle, so we were related by marriage.

After my husband and I moved to New York, it became more difficult for us to travel home. We could only make one trip back home a  year. My mom moved away as well, and now she no longer lives in Missouri. We now have to split our time between two families. I miss home more than ever.  When I dream, I dream of Pinhook. Its the only real home I ever had.

Another person who was important to me recently passed away. Mary Williams. She was like a mother to me. I spent more time at her house than mine.  My husband and I had just returned home to New York from Missouri when we received word of her passing.  It’s like losing a part of who you are.  I miss her even though I had not seen Mary in a long time, I still yearned for what was. I miss her children, because they were like my brothers and sisters growing up.

So as I have been sitting here watching the news and the levee being blown up by the Army Corp of Engineers, I think back to all of my childhood memories. That is not to say that I don’t think about them before this. It’s just it has put them at the forefront of my mind on a daily basis more than ever.  I think about the clubhouse that Faye and Vanessa and I used to build.  It all makes me remember us riding our bikes down to the corner, then going down in the field, down that little dirt road past the row of trees, back around  to that little spring and come up in front of Daddy Jim’s house and pick some Pecans.  Maybe ride our bikes down to Retha and Jim’s house.  If that didn’ t suffice, head on over to the church and hang out down by the row of trees and feel the cool breeze by that old tractor.  Maybe have a water fight from house to house. Oh, what about everyone coming to my mom’s house for cool drink of water from her fridge and listen to her get mad about it?

I miss Pinhook.

Musical Tribute - HEARTLAND HOME 2011 Flood.MOD

Light of Tomorrow

Bring me the light into the darkness that envelopes
my soul that keeps me in this dark place that cries
at night and weeps for what was, and I can't repair.
It caresses me; no slumber and no rest. I want to bathe
in it's familiar feeling, needing to feel it, feed it. Give it
breath, give it life. Let it take away my pain., my fear.
It hungers for my soul.

The light of tomorrow escapes me. I can't see it. The
darkness calls to me and I refuse to see the light and can't
reach up to it and free myself.

Small Town America Flooded

Today I want to write about something close to my heart. I live in a very big city, but grew up in small town America. I lived in what some call a river town in the Missouri Delta what is known as Pinhook Missouri. I know. Where is that? It sits somewhere between St. Louis and Memphis along the Mississippi River. Right now, because of all the rain, this small town that is caught up in a legal battle with the Army Corp. of Engineers who want to breach a levee. If they breach this levee, this small town/community will cease to exist.

Back in the 1950's, maybe even further back, from what my family tells me, the banks would only sell this land to black families who farmed. This land sits in what is known as a spillway. The spillway is called this because the Mississippi River and the Ohio River back up in this area and overflow onto the land and cause flooding. Sometimes the farmers lose their crops when this occurs. There is much farmland in these areas, according to the  Army Corp. of engineers about 130,000 acres of land.

Over the years, a project was developed to close a 1500 foot gap in the levee in this region which is the Birds Point/New Madrid area. Most people have  heard of New Madrid because of the fault line that sits near hear. We hear about the big earthquake that may hit near here. These are two different issues, however a catastrophic earthquake could potentially destroy a levee I am sure. By closing the gap in the levee, it would let the water flow back into the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers and keep the water off the farmland in the Pinhook Community, as well as the communities of Dorena, Windyville, Cairo, IL, and others to name a few.

After the Army Corp. of Engineers did their studies, along with the EPA and others, the cost of the project was a few million dollars. It came to light that they wanted the farming communities to pay for half of the project. The people who live here are not rich by any means and don't have this kind of money. From what we know, I don't think people in other communities in other states were asked to pay. So the gap was never repaired. This fight to get it fixed has gone on for years. As a child, we had to move from our homes in 1973, 1974, and 1975. I do believe in 1976 we all decided to remain as a group and hang tight.

One of my relatives spoke before the US Senate again asking for assistance to close the gap in the levee and for the federal assistance that was promised to the people of the community in 2002. Again, to no avail.  He passed away never seeing any relief.

Today, there is a court battle brewing to stop the Army Corp. of Engineers from destroying Pinhook, Dorena and Windyville. If the Army Corp. of Engineers breaches the levee, a 15 foot wall of water will wash away my childhood, my home. I doubt there would be anything left. It leaves me to wonder if they just want this land. Most of the people who live there are not rich by any stretch, but comfortable. They have their homes and their land. What happens after they destroy it?  Today, there aren't many left in this area.. By the picture I post, you can see how many are left. Doesn't mean it needs to be destroyed....

Life On Life's Terms

Sometimes we forget that life will show up no matter what we do. The unexpected always happens, no matter what. My husband is ill right now and was admitted to the hospital last night. How do you cope when the person you love and the one who is your rock is missing from your day to day activities?  When you have to leave them in the care of someone else? It's not easy. When you come home to an empty house or apartment, everything is still. Sometimes, I have imagined what life would be like without all the noise and the hustle and bustle of preparing a meal for someone else, or finding a lost item for my husband that he can't locate. Those little annoyances that come along with marriage that right now don't seem to matter. When all is said and done, he is the one that matters to me. My life doesn't work without him. He is the stability that has seen us through those darkest moments when we had to struggle through some really hard times during the beginnings of our marriage. We each other to lean on, and when one of us is away, it doesn't all add up. it makes me appreciate what we have even more. My love for him grows even greater.
So, for now since life has shown up, and I know that he needs to be where he is at the moment, we will get through this. I just miss him.

Broken Soul

From the depths of my soul,
deep in my being lies a wounded
child who cries to be heard.
Muffled by the pain and heartache
of yesterday's past.
Torched and bleeding, limped
back deep into the wells of my
being only to never surface.

Fading in the Mist

My Turn.....

If I see it...I reach behind me 

looking for it, 

but it's fading fast in the mist.

Seeing it Clearer

Clearly, Clearly seeing it all much to my amazement.
I wasn't able to before.
The mist kept me short-sighted.
As the fog lifted, it's clearer.

Photo by: Alice Christin (thank you, Alice)

Fly Away Little Bird

Bye Bye Little Birdie, go on by.
Leave on by here.
Fly away and keep moving.
Don't let your wings dip low by the branches.
Soar high!

My Windowsill

Droplets fall down, trickle on my windowsill
into the room on the deck below.
If I wipe them will it
wash away my sadness?

I gave my heart to you and all that is left are my tears that I cry
in the rain that pours down and keeps coming into this room.
I can't stop cause it's my pain,
and it rains because I am sad.

Outside Wonders

Lightning rods, Beams of lights...
Carousels go round.
Outside wonders.
Walk through tall grass and reach
out for the feel of the dandelions
through my fingers.

Breathe in. Inhale and feel the fresh
salt on my face rushing up from the sea.
Spray from the tide that just rolled in.

I Blew On The Wind

I blew on the Wind and I landed nearby.
Whispering Sofly.
Feeling a cool breeze and a handful of leaves
that danced in it's wake

Tribute to Michael ... written 3/23/11

Michael Love

I am here,
here is where I Love.
Be still my heart.
Love is true and love is nourished.
For the soul loves without contention.
Forever love.
Be still my heart, my friend.
Beats per minute.
Thump, thump!
Whoop!
It flipped!
Did a jump!

Tribute to Michael written 3/23/11

Connected Souls

Moving through the time of one place,
and here I am.
Come and go, and I arrive.

When men seek of good, they are all
working to better all.
We are connected as one through
our souls.

Shores of Truth

When the men of tomorrow reach the shores of truth,
they find the sands of time, washed by the tides,
and as the waters recede that come ashore, it continues
to remove the footprints left embedded for those who followed.
orig....11/29/2010

The Spirit Within You

The Spirit Within You

When the water went dry it was time to let it go.
I felt it leave.
I knew it.
My soul was going, missing, hungering for thirst.
I didn't want to go. Not like this was my choice.

Time is of no consequence. The love lives on and never
dies. Energy abounds in the place you hold dear;
surrounded by pure abounding joy. It will encompass
and feed you.
If you feel the spirit within you, let it grow, and let it breathe.
Hold nothing back.
Your light shines so bright, lighting a path for all to see.
Share it with the world. Give it to all who are in need.
Ask for nothing. Want for nothing.
The joy is in their receiving.

Let Go of the Fear

Let Go Of the Fear

When we first believe and seek truth in the light of

all we know, we will find the road of knowledge of 

believing in of we can follow.

And give yourself the time for healing the soul. 

The water and river of life deeply is inside and nourishes oneself.

Travel this life far and wide.

Freely and fly on the wings of love.

Out of this world. Not of this world. 

As many want to say, but of this plane of existence. Getting mired down

in the troubles and not finding peace. Tranquility exist in where you find and when 

you do, can you see it? Maybe.

 Some can and some can't. It exist.On one plane, on two or three.

No. On many levels. Oh ,there are so many; they go on and on.

Forever and ever. Hmmm. Yes. So many. Too many to count. 

Jaded and clouded by a world we create for ourselves to keep from seeing beyond

our own fear.

Let go of the fear and believe.

Let go of oneself. 

Be free.

Be free of yourself and let yourself be true to exist and be of who you are.

It is all I can offer you. Love abounds and exist of no boundaries. Beyond this world. No controls.

Give way to Freedom of your mind without limitations of your soul.

Trust the soul of yourself.

The Committee

I am probably the only person who reads this (well my committee and me) so that gives me the freedom to write whatever I want. I didn't want to just post poetry because I am more than just that. I wanted to write all those crazy thoughts in my head. Well, not all of them, cause let's face it, if I did that, someone would actually probably read this and then have me committed. Isn't that like the law of physics, or Newton or someone like that who was really smart or something ( see I am rambling). Doesn't matter, it's just me and my crazy thoughts anyway.

Anyway, before I continue to ramble, I thought I would introduce The Committee. Some may understand what that means and some may not. Let me back up for a second, and I promise I won't get off track (too much).  It's always important to try and meditate to clear the thoughts and have a blank canvas to help clear the thoughts, you know have a starting point. Well, that is so much easier said that done. It takes practice. There is deep breathing, relaxing, closing your eyes, getting prepared. Needless to say, most of the time I end up falling asleep. Better yet, my mind wanders off and I end up preparing my grocery list or paying bills in my head. Sometimes, "The Committee" takes over. I end up somewhere far off playing out some scene in my head and forget that I was supposed to be meditating and then my stress level is just, well through the roof and. well, I can save that story for another day. 

So, today, I thought I should introduce you to The Committee. My Committee is made up of  some dear old friends who like to tell me what I should have done, could have done wished I had done, and so forth and so on. They live in my head and they plan my life for me day in and out.  They never shut up.  They sometimes don't let me sleep, keep me up all night, wake me up at odd hours to remind me of what I was supposed to do, didn't do, need to do, should not have done; you get what I mean. I am not sure sometimes why I keep them around. 

First, I thought you should meet  Should Have Done. I am sure most of you are familiar with this. Should have done is the ring leader and never misses an opportunity to let me know. I hear this constantly. Oh, SHD never calls me by my name, it just YOU Should Have Done... and what it was. If I forgot to pick up something or if I didn't tell someone the right thing. No matter what it is,  SHD lives in my head all day. It is never ending. 

Now, SHD is followed closely by a relative "Could Have Done" who I am going to assume took lessons from SHD because it's like a broken record with the two of them. It's You should have done and You Could have done.  

Sometimes they bring a friend named "Why Didn't You".  This is one who ask me questions that, well, it's my life and why is my life asking me questions?  I thought I was in control?  Really?  Why didn't you do it this way?  Why did you let her walk all over you? Why didn't you tell her to shove it?  

There have been times when The Committee will wake me up and I hear " I wish you had not done that."  OK, this could not have waited? I mean, it's like 2am. Just a few more hours. I actually was only asleep for ten minutes ( I just convinced The Committee to let me sleep), and this couldn't wait a couple of hours? 

I like to call the voices in my head The Committee because its better than the alternatives. Trying to stay focused can be hard when life shows up. When I have ten minutes to sit down and meditate, I have a difficult time to do that.

The Committee is less likely to wake me up at 2am today than they were five years ago.  They are still there. I am learning to meditate and calm my mind. Writing is an outlet for me and not allowing things to bother me the way they used to helps too.  There are still times that The Committee goes with me everywhere I go. Take for instance, once (this was many, many years back when I first learned of their existence), I was waiting for an elevator and having a really bad day.  Needless to say,  Should Have, and Could Have were having a field day running rampant in my head and just giving me the blues. So, at precisely the moment the elevator door opened was the moment I picked to say out loud, "Ya'll are not going to worry me today!"  I was standing alone on the outside of the door and this gentleman steps out and looks around, then he looks at me.  I just smiled and said, "Hello, sir, nice day."  I proceeded onto the elevator and let the door closed. See,  problem solved.  Do I have the power to quiet The Committee? Well, yeah!

When One Door Closes . . .

Today I was searching for a way to get my poetry copyrighted and published. I have had a few poems published several years ago. I sort of stopped writing a few times, then start again. I keep putting it on the back burner. Why is it the one thing sometimes we so love to do, we just can't seem to find the time to do? Not everybody. My life has seemed to keep me from doing the one thing I love to do most.

About six years ago, my husband and I moved to New York from St. Louis. We were living this much slower pace of a life. We were off work by 5pm, and home by 5:15.  It was sort of mundane. Since we are both recovering addicts, we attended 12-step meetings a couple of times a week, we helped his mother out sometimes, visited other relatives, and you get the drift. Nothing exciting in our lives. One day, my husband said, "Babe, I want to be certified in the field I am in (he works in Orthopedics).  Well, there were several choices for locations. Two of those choices happen to be in much warmer climates. He said to the person he eventually accepted the job offer from and he also said to me that if this is meant to be there will be no confusion surrounding this move. He was right of course.  Two of those other choices were in the path of the Hurricane Katrina.

Since we made the move to New York, our lives have become extremely busy and very time consuming with commuting. It took some time to adjust.  Once you learn navigating the subway system here, you can travel anywhere. It is really not feasible to drive in Manhattan in the downtown areas, so I took the subway to my first job. Since my husband worked uptown, he could use the car and it benefited him due to the hours he was working. It would take him almost 2hours by train.

Now living here also meant that I had no time to do anything but get up at 4:45 am and go to bed at 11pm every night. On the weekends meant doing errands and chores I had no time for during the week. I all but forgot how to manage any of my time. I couldn't figure out why I was so fatigued all the time. My doctor sent me to a specialist who diagnosed me with a connective tissue disease.  To make a long story short, in the coming months about two years into living here I was let go from my first job in New York.  There is that when one door closes....

I made the most of it, and a friend/colleague of my husband introduced me to someone who was looking for someone who needed an assistant to work from home. Although this still didn't afford me the opportunity to still get back into my passion of writing, I was employed again. It lasted about six months and I went back to work part time.

I never really disliked what I was doing, I just had no passion for it. I could feel myself being drawn to what I truly loved most. I was writing more and more almost daily now. It all began sometime in 2009. I can almost pinpoint when it happened. One might say I am crazy, but I am not. There are people who would understand this because a lot of these same people experience it too. See, I am also a Michael Jackson fan and I am not ashamed to admit that. When Michael died, it hit me really hard. I didn't think it would affect me that way. It still does. One thing it did was to awaken again in me that creative part of me and that desire I had for wanting to be the best me I can be. When Michael sings about the Man in the Mirror, he makes me want to change who I am. I have listened to the words of the music and he makes me feel everything about who I am, he makes me take a look at myself.

I again got hit with a layoff, due to the recession, and there is that closed door again. I was reading a post from twitter about not staring at the closed door, but moving on. Now I am looking for new doors, or windows to be opened. I signed up for a poetry class today. I didn't sign up because I don't think my poetry isn't good enough. I did it because I want to be the best me I can be. There is nothing wrong with perfecting my craft. When I got honest about what it is I really want to do, I realized it was to write. It is my passion. It is the one thing I would do no matter what. It has always been. I can't let fear get in the way of that. No matter what.
I want to open the new doors...