A few days ago I received a letter in the mail regarding some information from my last employer. Previously I stated that I was not working for this company anymore, but I never really went into any detail about being with this company. I still don't feel the need to do that now other than to say that I was feeling some animosity and hurt as to how I left. On the day I left, instead of me going to work and "we are going in a different direction", I was sent an email over the weekend, which I didn't receive until Tuesday morning after I had already arrived at work. This was to me, for lack of a better word: tacky. I am not sure why this tactic was used, but I felt I did deserve a much better exit than this.
I was holding a lot of hate and anger inside for months and it was keeping from moving forward. One doesn't realize sometimes how much pain we carry. That kind of pain, hurt feelings and self-loathing can eat you up. I thought I had put it down and moved on. I went about my routine day in and day out since this happened each day searching for work as if nothing happened. Then I began to look back over the poetry I was writing and began to notice a pattern in my writing. Most of what I was writing was about love, but a lot of it sounded like depression, and as if I was reaching for something, like I was on the brink of wanting to move forward and let go of the pain, but really didn't know how to. Truth is, all I had to do was just get honest about it. I had to get honest that I was loathing and seething deep inside and wanted to shout it to the world all that hate I felt.
One thing that sticks out is this sort of self-centered me attitude about the situation. Even though that is not who I am. My personality is always about helping other people. Most of the time, I put me on hold and give to others and never think of me, and here I was again doing the same thing and forgot to take care of what was happening in my own life. So I guess I was thinking, if I help myself, will people think I was being self-centered? Then I thought, you have got to heal from this, because if you don't, you are no good to anyone else. This pain is going to eat you up inside. The other thing is, as I stated before, I am a recovering addict with 15 years clean and using was not an option.
Well, what happened next was that I sat there one day and I just let it go. Everything came to boiling point. My emotions just seemed to surface and I did what I said I wanted to do. Out loud, I stated, "I hate you for treating me like you did. I deserved better than that. I don't wish your business success. The least you could have done was given me the courtesy of a phone call and not an email." After I ranted and let my emotions out, I asked God to forgive me for my hateful thoughts. I prayed for being rude and ungrateful. I asked for healing.
I had not spoken to anyone from this company for sometime and needed to contact them regarding this letter I had received. I don't think I could have done that had I not cleansed myself. I believe it was important for me to let go of the feelings inside before having to contact them. If I had been still seething inside it would have been difficult holding on to all that animosity.
I'm still searching for what I want to do from here, but it's a little easier now. I am in no rush. My husband says to take my time and find what I really want. He wants me to be happy in my soul. So do I.
