Cuts So Deep

Blades of grass coming up from
the ground that cut my fingers
and slice through my heart.
Sharp as they are, Like your words
when spoken so harsh.
They cut so deep
and wounded my soul.



When I wrote this, I was thinking about Michael. He was right there in the front of my mind. It was if he was saying, "they hurt me with their words by calling me names and saying I did these things I didn't do." I felt him saying to me to write it. The words just flowed on the paper as if to say, this was what he wanted me to say.

So, for what the media did to him, for Michael....

Seeing Tomorrow

I didn't know I could when I thought I was done.
I was pulled back into this.
Just a thought of yesterday.
I kept willing myself to forget. I can't.
It's right there.
I breathe slowly, and a faraway place
emerges before me.
I hear the seagulls and smell the salt from
the sea, yearning to draw me near.
The call of the fresh morning air.

                                             Seagulls in Flight by H Malot

                                             

Missing Home

My last visit to Pinhook was seven years ago. I hate to think it has been that long ago. I had returned for a funeral.  My mother recently asked me to go back with her to clean out a storage unit of my grandmother’s belongings so we could locate some important papers.  We were in the process of planning a trip back to this spring to take care of this when we got word of all the rain that was beginning to fall and the possibility of the Army Corp. of Engineers breaching the levee.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think they would do this.

I thought back to the floods of 1973 and 1974. We had moved from Pinhook and taken my grandmother’s trailer home to town at the time. Most of the families had decided to leave. My mother was adamant that she was going to remain.  The other families told her she could not stay alone with her two young children.  It was just too dangerous. With the potential of  the water rising, there was no way that it was remotely safe for her to stay. She insisted that she remain and protect her property. After they convinced her to finally leave, we packed up our essential belongings and headed out. Well, my mother, hard-headed as she is, insisted she drive her car. We were placed in the bean truck with a gentleman mother drove Pontiac Le-Mans through the flood waters. Now, imagine, the ditches on either side of the road were at least 6 feet deep or more, and the water on the road was almost covering the hood of the car as we drove slowly for the mile out of this water.  We got through it, on pins and needles no less.  We spent about three or four months away from our beloved Pinhook until it was deemed safe to return home. Our cousin Jerome Robinson and Mr. Eza Lee Cross stayed in our home, at my mother’s request to protect our home.  Jim Robinson and his brothers, Cal and Lynell who were farmers, all remained on Pinhook to protect the property of the homeowners. George Williams, who drove our school bus had moved his family into town as well.

In 1974, we made the move once again into town. Some of us moved to Charleston instead of East Prairie this time.  We again were gone a few months. Now, you must know that during this time, the flood waters never reached the homes on Pinhook on the main road. Jim Robinson and a few 0thers who lived  a few miles a little farther back, weren’t so lucky.  After Jim and his family rebuilt that last time, they made the decision to build closer to other families. Most of us helped in the rebuilding.  My last trip home was to Jim’s funeral.  My grandmother married his uncle, so we were related by marriage.

After my husband and I moved to New York, it became more difficult for us to travel home. We could only make one trip back home a  year. My mom moved away as well, and now she no longer lives in Missouri. We now have to split our time between two families. I miss home more than ever.  When I dream, I dream of Pinhook. Its the only real home I ever had.

Another person who was important to me recently passed away. Mary Williams. She was like a mother to me. I spent more time at her house than mine.  My husband and I had just returned home to New York from Missouri when we received word of her passing.  It’s like losing a part of who you are.  I miss her even though I had not seen Mary in a long time, I still yearned for what was. I miss her children, because they were like my brothers and sisters growing up.

So as I have been sitting here watching the news and the levee being blown up by the Army Corp of Engineers, I think back to all of my childhood memories. That is not to say that I don’t think about them before this. It’s just it has put them at the forefront of my mind on a daily basis more than ever.  I think about the clubhouse that Faye and Vanessa and I used to build.  It all makes me remember us riding our bikes down to the corner, then going down in the field, down that little dirt road past the row of trees, back around  to that little spring and come up in front of Daddy Jim’s house and pick some Pecans.  Maybe ride our bikes down to Retha and Jim’s house.  If that didn’ t suffice, head on over to the church and hang out down by the row of trees and feel the cool breeze by that old tractor.  Maybe have a water fight from house to house. Oh, what about everyone coming to my mom’s house for cool drink of water from her fridge and listen to her get mad about it?

I miss Pinhook.

Musical Tribute - HEARTLAND HOME 2011 Flood.MOD

Light of Tomorrow

Bring me the light into the darkness that envelopes
my soul that keeps me in this dark place that cries
at night and weeps for what was, and I can't repair.
It caresses me; no slumber and no rest. I want to bathe
in it's familiar feeling, needing to feel it, feed it. Give it
breath, give it life. Let it take away my pain., my fear.
It hungers for my soul.

The light of tomorrow escapes me. I can't see it. The
darkness calls to me and I refuse to see the light and can't
reach up to it and free myself.

Small Town America Flooded

Today I want to write about something close to my heart. I live in a very big city, but grew up in small town America. I lived in what some call a river town in the Missouri Delta what is known as Pinhook Missouri. I know. Where is that? It sits somewhere between St. Louis and Memphis along the Mississippi River. Right now, because of all the rain, this small town that is caught up in a legal battle with the Army Corp. of Engineers who want to breach a levee. If they breach this levee, this small town/community will cease to exist.

Back in the 1950's, maybe even further back, from what my family tells me, the banks would only sell this land to black families who farmed. This land sits in what is known as a spillway. The spillway is called this because the Mississippi River and the Ohio River back up in this area and overflow onto the land and cause flooding. Sometimes the farmers lose their crops when this occurs. There is much farmland in these areas, according to the  Army Corp. of engineers about 130,000 acres of land.

Over the years, a project was developed to close a 1500 foot gap in the levee in this region which is the Birds Point/New Madrid area. Most people have  heard of New Madrid because of the fault line that sits near hear. We hear about the big earthquake that may hit near here. These are two different issues, however a catastrophic earthquake could potentially destroy a levee I am sure. By closing the gap in the levee, it would let the water flow back into the Mississippi and Ohio Rivers and keep the water off the farmland in the Pinhook Community, as well as the communities of Dorena, Windyville, Cairo, IL, and others to name a few.

After the Army Corp. of Engineers did their studies, along with the EPA and others, the cost of the project was a few million dollars. It came to light that they wanted the farming communities to pay for half of the project. The people who live here are not rich by any means and don't have this kind of money. From what we know, I don't think people in other communities in other states were asked to pay. So the gap was never repaired. This fight to get it fixed has gone on for years. As a child, we had to move from our homes in 1973, 1974, and 1975. I do believe in 1976 we all decided to remain as a group and hang tight.

One of my relatives spoke before the US Senate again asking for assistance to close the gap in the levee and for the federal assistance that was promised to the people of the community in 2002. Again, to no avail.  He passed away never seeing any relief.

Today, there is a court battle brewing to stop the Army Corp. of Engineers from destroying Pinhook, Dorena and Windyville. If the Army Corp. of Engineers breaches the levee, a 15 foot wall of water will wash away my childhood, my home. I doubt there would be anything left. It leaves me to wonder if they just want this land. Most of the people who live there are not rich by any stretch, but comfortable. They have their homes and their land. What happens after they destroy it?  Today, there aren't many left in this area.. By the picture I post, you can see how many are left. Doesn't mean it needs to be destroyed....

Life On Life's Terms

Sometimes we forget that life will show up no matter what we do. The unexpected always happens, no matter what. My husband is ill right now and was admitted to the hospital last night. How do you cope when the person you love and the one who is your rock is missing from your day to day activities?  When you have to leave them in the care of someone else? It's not easy. When you come home to an empty house or apartment, everything is still. Sometimes, I have imagined what life would be like without all the noise and the hustle and bustle of preparing a meal for someone else, or finding a lost item for my husband that he can't locate. Those little annoyances that come along with marriage that right now don't seem to matter. When all is said and done, he is the one that matters to me. My life doesn't work without him. He is the stability that has seen us through those darkest moments when we had to struggle through some really hard times during the beginnings of our marriage. We each other to lean on, and when one of us is away, it doesn't all add up. it makes me appreciate what we have even more. My love for him grows even greater.
So, for now since life has shown up, and I know that he needs to be where he is at the moment, we will get through this. I just miss him.

Broken Soul

From the depths of my soul,
deep in my being lies a wounded
child who cries to be heard.
Muffled by the pain and heartache
of yesterday's past.
Torched and bleeding, limped
back deep into the wells of my
being only to never surface.

Fading in the Mist

My Turn.....

If I see it...I reach behind me 

looking for it, 

but it's fading fast in the mist.

Seeing it Clearer

Clearly, Clearly seeing it all much to my amazement.
I wasn't able to before.
The mist kept me short-sighted.
As the fog lifted, it's clearer.

Photo by: Alice Christin (thank you, Alice)

Fly Away Little Bird

Bye Bye Little Birdie, go on by.
Leave on by here.
Fly away and keep moving.
Don't let your wings dip low by the branches.
Soar high!

My Windowsill

Droplets fall down, trickle on my windowsill
into the room on the deck below.
If I wipe them will it
wash away my sadness?

I gave my heart to you and all that is left are my tears that I cry
in the rain that pours down and keeps coming into this room.
I can't stop cause it's my pain,
and it rains because I am sad.

Outside Wonders

Lightning rods, Beams of lights...
Carousels go round.
Outside wonders.
Walk through tall grass and reach
out for the feel of the dandelions
through my fingers.

Breathe in. Inhale and feel the fresh
salt on my face rushing up from the sea.
Spray from the tide that just rolled in.

I Blew On The Wind

I blew on the Wind and I landed nearby.
Whispering Sofly.
Feeling a cool breeze and a handful of leaves
that danced in it's wake

Tribute to Michael ... written 3/23/11

Michael Love

I am here,
here is where I Love.
Be still my heart.
Love is true and love is nourished.
For the soul loves without contention.
Forever love.
Be still my heart, my friend.
Beats per minute.
Thump, thump!
Whoop!
It flipped!
Did a jump!

Tribute to Michael written 3/23/11

Connected Souls

Moving through the time of one place,
and here I am.
Come and go, and I arrive.

When men seek of good, they are all
working to better all.
We are connected as one through
our souls.

Shores of Truth

When the men of tomorrow reach the shores of truth,
they find the sands of time, washed by the tides,
and as the waters recede that come ashore, it continues
to remove the footprints left embedded for those who followed.
orig....11/29/2010

The Spirit Within You

The Spirit Within You

When the water went dry it was time to let it go.
I felt it leave.
I knew it.
My soul was going, missing, hungering for thirst.
I didn't want to go. Not like this was my choice.

Time is of no consequence. The love lives on and never
dies. Energy abounds in the place you hold dear;
surrounded by pure abounding joy. It will encompass
and feed you.
If you feel the spirit within you, let it grow, and let it breathe.
Hold nothing back.
Your light shines so bright, lighting a path for all to see.
Share it with the world. Give it to all who are in need.
Ask for nothing. Want for nothing.
The joy is in their receiving.

Let Go of the Fear

Let Go Of the Fear

When we first believe and seek truth in the light of

all we know, we will find the road of knowledge of 

believing in of we can follow.

And give yourself the time for healing the soul. 

The water and river of life deeply is inside and nourishes oneself.

Travel this life far and wide.

Freely and fly on the wings of love.

Out of this world. Not of this world. 

As many want to say, but of this plane of existence. Getting mired down

in the troubles and not finding peace. Tranquility exist in where you find and when 

you do, can you see it? Maybe.

 Some can and some can't. It exist.On one plane, on two or three.

No. On many levels. Oh ,there are so many; they go on and on.

Forever and ever. Hmmm. Yes. So many. Too many to count. 

Jaded and clouded by a world we create for ourselves to keep from seeing beyond

our own fear.

Let go of the fear and believe.

Let go of oneself. 

Be free.

Be free of yourself and let yourself be true to exist and be of who you are.

It is all I can offer you. Love abounds and exist of no boundaries. Beyond this world. No controls.

Give way to Freedom of your mind without limitations of your soul.

Trust the soul of yourself.

The Committee

I am probably the only person who reads this (well my committee and me) so that gives me the freedom to write whatever I want. I didn't want to just post poetry because I am more than just that. I wanted to write all those crazy thoughts in my head. Well, not all of them, cause let's face it, if I did that, someone would actually probably read this and then have me committed. Isn't that like the law of physics, or Newton or someone like that who was really smart or something ( see I am rambling). Doesn't matter, it's just me and my crazy thoughts anyway.

Anyway, before I continue to ramble, I thought I would introduce The Committee. Some may understand what that means and some may not. Let me back up for a second, and I promise I won't get off track (too much).  It's always important to try and meditate to clear the thoughts and have a blank canvas to help clear the thoughts, you know have a starting point. Well, that is so much easier said that done. It takes practice. There is deep breathing, relaxing, closing your eyes, getting prepared. Needless to say, most of the time I end up falling asleep. Better yet, my mind wanders off and I end up preparing my grocery list or paying bills in my head. Sometimes, "The Committee" takes over. I end up somewhere far off playing out some scene in my head and forget that I was supposed to be meditating and then my stress level is just, well through the roof and. well, I can save that story for another day. 

So, today, I thought I should introduce you to The Committee. My Committee is made up of  some dear old friends who like to tell me what I should have done, could have done wished I had done, and so forth and so on. They live in my head and they plan my life for me day in and out.  They never shut up.  They sometimes don't let me sleep, keep me up all night, wake me up at odd hours to remind me of what I was supposed to do, didn't do, need to do, should not have done; you get what I mean. I am not sure sometimes why I keep them around. 

First, I thought you should meet  Should Have Done. I am sure most of you are familiar with this. Should have done is the ring leader and never misses an opportunity to let me know. I hear this constantly. Oh, SHD never calls me by my name, it just YOU Should Have Done... and what it was. If I forgot to pick up something or if I didn't tell someone the right thing. No matter what it is,  SHD lives in my head all day. It is never ending. 

Now, SHD is followed closely by a relative "Could Have Done" who I am going to assume took lessons from SHD because it's like a broken record with the two of them. It's You should have done and You Could have done.  

Sometimes they bring a friend named "Why Didn't You".  This is one who ask me questions that, well, it's my life and why is my life asking me questions?  I thought I was in control?  Really?  Why didn't you do it this way?  Why did you let her walk all over you? Why didn't you tell her to shove it?  

There have been times when The Committee will wake me up and I hear " I wish you had not done that."  OK, this could not have waited? I mean, it's like 2am. Just a few more hours. I actually was only asleep for ten minutes ( I just convinced The Committee to let me sleep), and this couldn't wait a couple of hours? 

I like to call the voices in my head The Committee because its better than the alternatives. Trying to stay focused can be hard when life shows up. When I have ten minutes to sit down and meditate, I have a difficult time to do that.

The Committee is less likely to wake me up at 2am today than they were five years ago.  They are still there. I am learning to meditate and calm my mind. Writing is an outlet for me and not allowing things to bother me the way they used to helps too.  There are still times that The Committee goes with me everywhere I go. Take for instance, once (this was many, many years back when I first learned of their existence), I was waiting for an elevator and having a really bad day.  Needless to say,  Should Have, and Could Have were having a field day running rampant in my head and just giving me the blues. So, at precisely the moment the elevator door opened was the moment I picked to say out loud, "Ya'll are not going to worry me today!"  I was standing alone on the outside of the door and this gentleman steps out and looks around, then he looks at me.  I just smiled and said, "Hello, sir, nice day."  I proceeded onto the elevator and let the door closed. See,  problem solved.  Do I have the power to quiet The Committee? Well, yeah!