Life is Too Short

I used to be polite. A lot. Let me start from way back. I am a recovering addict. In about a month, I will be celebrating 15 years clean. I used to be this shy introverted scared little girl. One day, I got curious about drugs. I was a good little girl who went to church and did everything I was supposed to. Curiosity got the better of me. i was an adult the first time I took a drink. My using days lasted about 10 years. My first drug of choice was alcohol and my addiction progressed from there.

Active addiction is horrible and it leads us to only so many endings: jails, institutions, and death. Death doesn't always have to be a physical one either. Some of us have to hit rock bottom. We have many bottoms too. My addiction to me to some really bad places that I never thought I would end up. Towards the end, I was actually living with friends in a very beautiful home, but we had no electricity, in the dead of winter, freezing. We weren't thinking about the lights, but our next high. How sick is that? After we got the light back on, we went out to get high again. That is not living. That is living to use and using to live.

I remember my last day getting high and thinking this is not me. I ended up in the hospital. I knew I had to make a change or I would die. I didn't look back.  I decided I wanted to live. That was a choice I made for me that day.

Life is too short to be caught up in that world today for me. I have found freedom from active addiction. I choose to be clean. I live my life one day at a time. 

Discovery

Standing on the cliff's edge,
hanging n the balance,
the rocks are so unstable.
So many tears of pain, flowing
into the gulf streams of rushing
water below.

Looking beyond the water's edge,
leading to the river of life, unable to reach it;
too many obstacles; too many stepping stones.
The dismal clouds begin to part; removing the gloom in it wake.
Oh, what joy to see the sun!
Exhibiting promises of a new day.
No trials to bear.
Now, what tears of joy!
Feel the whisper of the wind, hear it say:
Trust me, take a chance today.



This is another of those about finding myself.  The thing I think I find interesting is the words apply today. What I mean is the understanding in the meaning seems to sink in more now than ever.

Peace and Tranquility

Peace and Tranquility exist in the mind
of the whole person.
Has thou not known this?
When contentment arises,
the peace is there.
When peace is obtained,
so shall tranquility abide there also.

written 5/26/92

Looking into the Past

This morning I was going through some old papers and came upon some old poetry from 1992. Oh, wow. Seems like a lifetime ago. I tried to remember what I was doing way back then. What was I doing and why did I  decide to write it. I remember I was living in Atlanta, GA at the time. I was very young and life was very carefree. The future was very uncertain. I was still searching for what I wanted to do with my life and where I wanted to go. There was no real peace in my life because I was "on the go."

When we are young, we just seem to want to always be on the move and just bounce around. We don't think about the future. At the time, I didn't even know about meditating and listening inside for answers. I just existed. I did what I learned later in life what they call "geographical change", running from my problems. I was trying to fix the outside and not the inside.  The one thing I have come to understand is to fix the whole person inside and that is where I find what I am looking for. If I stop running from me, I will settle down.

Epiphany and Enlightenment

Suspended in time
above the space that knows no boundaries
of the actual place of tall tales of man who
keeps the conundrums of this cacophony
of drum beats moving.
He thinks he is clever.
Moving about below.
It's not what he thinks.
The real conundrum is his to bear.
The space is always moving.
Suspended no more it catches up to you.
But there are no boundaries set forth above
in this place.

written 12/2/2009

Freedom From Myself

I started writing poetry when I was in high school. It was something I liked to do. I used to think that poems all had to rhyme. As I started reading them and, I learned that they didn't have to. One could write how it made them feel. It comes from the heart and soul of a person. Expression in poetry, pausing, cause and effect. How do I get the reader to stop just where I want them to when they are reading my words is the key, I think.

Just like in music. when I listen to it, I think, if the artist can make me feel what he/she is feeling, then I think it makes a great song. Not all artist have the ability to make me feel that way.Take Michael Jackson. From the time he started singing, he had the ability to make a person feel what he was feeling, every emotion he was feeling while he was singing. That made him unique. He could make me cry on cue.  I wonder if that is why so many others did not continue in the music industry. They got stuck or they just could not get past themselves. I get stuck in myself and can't seem to write anymore. I get lost and my creativeness, for lack of a better word seems to keep me from writing. All the craziness in my head is just "stuck" and I start wondering off in my head. I stop feeling. Then I take it to a whole new level. It causes me to write crap, and I no longer "feel" what I am writing, so then the reader is not going to "feel" it either.  When I free myself, I can allow myself to be creative. My fear kept me in its grasp and wouldn't let me be that creative soul that I knew I could be.


Freedom From Myself

Stagnated by fear, I had become frozen inside.
My mind had become clouded; jagged, un-ending
sentences and emotions run through my head.
Locked in a prison that is my mind, I am
debilitated by the incessant cadence of words
and images; lost with no escape from the
continuous vibrations of repetition.
The world in my mind had become a place of
comfort with its own complacency.
Unable to journey beyond this created and
imagined paradoxical view of life, fear kept
me prisoner, and reveled in my inability to
stop it. At the point I wanted to give up,
when I felt the last bit of clarity slipping
beyond my grasp, the Universe reached in and
fed my soul the smallest bit of hope; and from
that miniscule morsel, the light shined in
and bound the fear that loathed the daylight,
releasing me from bondage and desolation;
Freeing me from the madness and myself.

11/2009

Follow Your Heart

So I sit here and ponder where I am going today. I have joined the ranks of the unemployed. It wasn't my choice, but it was in a way. I was searching for a change. I was at that point where I sort of wanted to move on from where I was. I had come to a point where I was no longer happy in what I was doing. Things sort of snowballed on their own in the final days without me lifting a finger.

A friend suggested to me that on the first day of spring, I plant a seed and bless it regarding the new choices I had made about my future. I was excited! I did what she suggested. I waited to see what would transpire. Since I don't work on Mondays, I would have to wait and see what would happen on Tuesday.

By Tuesday I had joined the ranks of the unemployed. How fast this had worked! Just a week before I had said out loud that I was wanting to change my life and head in a new direction. My friend had said to me that spring was time of new beginnings. It was time to let go of the fear.

So, I know I am being vague, and hopefully, as time goes on, I can explain in more detail. This is my first post, and hopefully, a new beginning for me to. It, time for me to let go of the fear and follow my heart. I love to write poetry and here is my poem about following my heart.

Follow your heart.

Release the grip you hold so tight on it. 

The pain inside to melt away. Free to love and feel love.

So much that amazing grace and joy and freedom awaits that heart. Trust in that. 

Love always at your side. Be Not afraid of who you are..

10/28/10